Memoirs of a Seaman: The interactive hour

What good is a blog without photos?

What good is a camera, if you don't have money to buy it?

And finally, what's the deal with the current state of Perth's climate? 1 measly degree every morning lately. Makes for shit times at work.

Aside from these revealing rhetorical's, I'm well. Thank you for wondering. I have my health, I've had dinner, there's a roof over my head and tomorrow promises a new day.

There's things I could share, but to be completely honest, all I really want to address is the word, 'Mortadella'. On a recent trip to Margaret River, James Kates and I discovered, that with the smallest amount of effort, you can use the word 'Mortadella' - to sound authentically Italian.

I don't know about you stiffs, but I'm amused.

Say it with me now. Morrr-TA DelA. Use the letter casing and spacing to help guide you through the accentuation in the varied sections this glorious word holds.

The 'Mor' needs to be low and slightly drawn out - rolling those R's of course.

Then the 'TA'. You have to throw this one down. Its gotta' be, loud, abrupt and filled with passion. Its snappy. It comes from the heart. It derives from the same passion you see, when a Nona samples her home made pasta sauce. You'll feel it. Mortadella is taking over you. The tingling feeling in your pee hole/vagina and finger tips is totally normal.

DelA. Again. look at the casing of the letters. Its so animated, and thats how you need to spit it. Think of a roller-coaster going down a steep decent, only to rush back up hill to the same altitude. Thats what our voices are about to do. DelA!

Now all thats left is to get into character. Wince your face up. Hold your hand up to your chin with finger tips pressed together and the top of hand facing outwards... and simply visualise yourself as an old, authentic, italian woman. (rock the hand back and forth ever so slightly and hold the wincey, squint face and stare)

Struggling?

Try this:

* Pretend that the old woman version of you, uses the word 'Mortadella' as an insult. Then visualise looking at your authentic Italian husband, complete with huge mustache, playing backgammon in his tomato patch with Guseppi, the stereotypically Italian farmer from next door. You've called him in for dinner... twice. He snubs you, so you holla at the mother fucker "MORTADELLA" just like we learned. You really give it to the bastard. The insult, combined with your emphatic body language will see him wrap up his fucking game and get his disrespectful, ungrateful, bitch ass inside the fucking house to eat his fucking spaghetti.

I hope this post has been of value to you and you can now go forth and enlighten friends and family of the endless fun 'Mortadella' can provide.

You'll soon develop an alter ego, of the Italian variety, and attain the skill to transform any normal word, into Italian words!

Arrivedici!